


I can be your lover

by ayellowcurtain



Category: WTFock | Skam (Belgium)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Friends With Benefits, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, but it'll be easier eventually, it's complicated - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:27:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28013913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ayellowcurtain/pseuds/ayellowcurtain
Summary: Robbe should have said it when he had the time, when Sander was still close, ready to kiss him whenever Robbe asked him to. Now he's gone and Robbe has no idea if he'll ever come back.
Relationships: Sander Driesen/Robbe IJzermans
Comments: 3
Kudos: 92





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, hello! Me again with another messy chaptered fic! You know my style by now hahaha   
> We always find out where the story will go together <3   
> If needed, come scream with me on tumblr @ayellowcurtain

* * *

Robbe walks away from everyone, trying to keep his tears to himself, swallowing all the words he thinks about saying, how it's the worst time to put them out. 

He had years to tell Sander how much he means to him but this is definitely not the time. It’s nobody else’s fault but his to decide to listen to his feelings now. It wasn’t supposed to be like that, and Robbe should have known he wasn’t fitted for the friends with benefits type of thing. Months ago he noticed himself constantly getting lost in Sander’s eyes, enjoying way too much the cuddles they had after every night together, the way Sander made him laugh with his dumb jokes or cocky comments, how Sander made him happy, and how his hugs were always the one Robbe was in desperate need of. 

He knew he shouldn’t be considerating so much to make his decisions to go or not to parties, depending so much on texts from Sander, answering if he was going too or if he was too busy with college or going somewhere else for the night.

He would only ruin the exciting mood, Sander’s happiness to be moving out of his parents’ place, finally, to work at a company he always only dreamed of working in. Robbe will miss him desperately and that part he managed to tell Sander last night, when he could still lie on his chest, smell him and feel his heart beating fast against Robbe’s ear, his hand, the long fingers resting on his hair, running his fingers through Robbe’s hair, stopping when he heard Robbe’s words, making him wonder if he shouldn’t have said anything. 

“Please, Robbe, come see me. I’ll pay for your plane tickets. It’s not because I’m in another country that you can’t run away from everyone else to hide with me. Never be afraid to call me, I’ll pick you up from any airport, ever.” 

Was the answer that he got, making him laugh so he wouldn’t cry, grab Sander tightly and beg him to stay. 

Everyone they know is here, which is odd, how both their friends group sort of blended together in the past few months while Robbe was falling in love, so they can’t even kiss, and hug for long minutes and cry while whispering their goodbyes. 

Sander’s eyes constantly on him got a little too much and Robbe just needed to walk his feelings out. He puts his hands inside his pockets, carefully holding the small piece of paper he’s been carrying for hours now, unable to decide if he should give it to Sander before he goes or not. He wasn’t even sure if he should write it, walking around his bedroom before leaving to the airport for at least five minutes, twirling the pen in between his fingers. He decided to write it and take it with him, leaving to make a decision at the very last possible moment. 

At least Sander would know. It’s selfish and plain stupid, but at least a part of the weight would be lifted off of his shoulders because Sander would know. And Robbe would only have to wait for an answer, hopefully. He won’t feel as guilty for saying it after Sander is gone because it would be done. Sander would be starting his new life and the acknowledge of Robbe’s feelings wouldn’t make him change his mind about staying or going. Robbe can’t ruin Sander’s best job opportunity ever for a stupid romance. 

_ I love you so much it’s painful to think about how it’ll be without you close. Don’t worry about me. I hope you love your job, really. I’ll miss you, and I’ll wait impatiently for every holiday to see you back home.  _

Robbe turns back around once his selfish feelings are tamed back inside of him, ready to meet all his friends again, and he bumps into Sander right behind him, taking his hands off his pockets, almost letting the piece of paper fall out. 

“Where are you going?” He asks and Sander looks around like it’s obvious. 

“Was going after you and then you changed your course suddenly.” Sander snorts and Robbe smiles, holding the paper again, not sure if he’ll get another opportunity as good as this one, “Robbe…” 

“Here.” He takes the folded paper out of his pocket, offering to Sander, looking at it, knowing very well how desperate and open he is in those few lines, “But you can’t open now, just when you’re inside the airplane, or settled at your new place, just not here.” 

Sander looks down at the paper, holding just the corner gently, still letting Robbe hold on to it if he wants but he lets Sander finally have it, “This is so mean of you…” 

“Sorry.” Robbe smiles more honestly, watching Sander’s fingers hold the piece of paper like it’s finally his, putting inside the pocket of his black jean jacket. 

“I have something for you too.” Sander holds his jacket with one hand, the other searching for something on the secret pocket inside his jacket, finding a thick white envelope that’s folded in half, “I had some miles to use with the airline so it’s yours.” 

“No…” Robbe whispers, thinking about how he just got himself in some trouble. He wrote all those things thinking they wouldn’t see each other for a while. He doesn’t know what he’ll do once he sees Sander for the first time after giving him that paper with parts of his feelings written on it like it’s shameful proof against himself. 

“There’s no date because I know you’ll get busy with your finals and stuff but at least you can come, whenever you feel like it.” 

Robbe opens the envelope anyway, seeing some papers with the airline name and his and he can’t believe Sander actually did this. 

“You’ll have to tell me when I can go, I don’t want to get there and-” 

“See me with someone else?” Sander lifts his eyebrows, clearly thinking it’s funny but it makes Robbe emotional again, thinking of how easier it would be for Sander to let him and their memories together go if he’s not seeing the other person, talking to them, touching them...

“And mess up your routine.” 

“I don’t plan on being with anyone anyway. You can come whenever you want but I’ll tell you if it makes it easier for you to come to see me.” 

“Thank you.” 

They stand there, in silence, probably looking so suspicious to all their friends with nobody to say goodbye to since Sander is busy with Robbe. Sander is staring at him, and Robbe finds some comfort in that, even though he can barely look back, afraid Sander will be able to tell just by looking into his eyes how much Robbe wants to ask for him to stay. 

“I wish I could kiss you right now.” 

Robbe sees his feet moving closer and he looks up, scared he might do it, “Sander.” 

Sander stops on his track, putting both his hands in his pockets, sighing annoyed. 

“I know. Won’t kiss you.” 

Robbe tilts his head, trying to keep himself from wishing they could just do it. Sander was the one that wanted this to be a casual thing at first. And Robbe couldn’t agree more. 

He couldn’t deal with any of the things that being with a guy could bring him. Serious conversations with his mom and dad, he didn’t feel like doing that back then, actually coming out. 

It was an easy agreement and somehow, after over a year since that first night, they ended up like this: so tangled together it’s hard to know which strings to cut, the ones that keep them together, now that one is moving away. 

  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait, everyone! It was a stressful couple of weeks that I couldn't really write but it's finally here

* * *

Robbe pulls the hood to cover as much of his head and face as possible before he turns the key and unlocks the front door, dragging himself inside, hoping his mom is too busy to notice him coming inside. His tears dried on his cheeks on his long way home, trying to buy himself some time to get over the fact that Sander had really left, but he knows it’s all over his face how sad he is and how much he cried on his way back home.

He closes the door carefully and leaves his bag hanging next to the door, rushing inside his bedroom, pushing the second door with his feet, letting himself fall on his bed, pulling his pillow against him, under his arm, hugging it as tight as possible.

He should be overwhelmed with anxiety, hoping Sander reads his stupid note and replies to Robbe as soon as possible, saying how much he feels the same, that they’ll work things out. But all he can think about is the gigantic distance. No matter if they try to ignore it, if whatever they have doesn’t really have a name, long-distance doesn’t work, not for Robbe, and he’s sure it doesn’t work for Sander either. So it sucks no matter what the outcome of his tiny love letter is.

Robbe jumps when he feels a hand rubbing gently up and down his back.

“Sorry…” His mom whispers and smiles at him and Robbe sighs, putting his head back on the pillow, squeezing it so hard it numbs his fingers under the pillow where his mom can’t see, “He’ll be back for the holidays.”

You don’t know that. I don’t know that. Robbe thinks but doesn’t say because he knows he would sound a lot harder than he intended. He doesn’t have it in him to have a real conversation right now, find a way to discover in the conversation if his mom is really that good at knowing what he and Sander had or if she’s just still thinking they’re really good friends.

“Are you going to wait awake for him to get there?” Robbe nods his head even though he’s not sure. He’s exhausted and scared if he thinks about it but it feels impossible to fall asleep right now or any time soon.

“Do you need anything? Want me to stay here with you?”

The thought of his mom watching his break down for a guy makes him sit on his head, cleaning his cheeks with the palms of his hands, pressing a little harder against his cheek bones.

“No, I’m okay. Gonna eat something and finish some stuff for school.”

She smiles sadly and nods her head, her hand on the back of his neck, massaging it lightly.

“You’re almost done, angel. You’ll be in college soon! Lots of interesting new people for you to meet, to occupy your mind.”

Robbe swallows hard, not needing any more proof than that. They weren’t as good as they thought they were, hiding their secret late-night dates inside Robbe’s bedroom. And he doesn’t want any more people to occupy his mind. One is more than enough trouble.

“I’m going to bed, there’s still some pasta in the pan, and I bought a few bars of your favorite chocolate, they’re in the pantry.”

She smiles and pulls him closer, leaving a few kisses on his cheek and a light squeeze on his tigh before getting up and leaving his bedroom, closing the door to give him some privacy.

Robbe lies back down, covering his eyes with his arm, forcing himself to cry a little more to see if it makes him feel any less bad.

He thinks about how dry his lips were this morning after kissing every inch of Sander’s body all night long, for hours. How he thought that some time apart was much, much needed after what they did until late this morning. Sander needed to go meet his parents for lunch and his best friends for some goodbye beers.

“I don’t want you to go.” Robbe whined, pouting against Sander’s lips as he held the front of his jacket so tight, stumbling with him in the hallway right out of his home. Sander smiled and Robbe held himself back from actually explaining what he was talking about.

“Your mom might see us out here.”

“I don’t care.”

“Yes, you do.” Sander kissed his cheek, down his neck, and Robbe sighed, wrapping his arms around his neck, leaning against him, letting Sander kiss whatever he wanted, for how long he wanted.

Robbe managed to hold himself back and let go of Sander a few minutes later but now he regrets not actually dragging him back inside, to bed, maybe make him miss his flight, reschedule for some other day or never again.

Robbe tries not to think about the details of last night because he’s not sure how serious they were. They were always very open when having sex, maybe saying things that shouldn’t be taken so seriously because they were said in the heat of the moment but now he holds on to those memories, to the times they say they loved each other or how good it felt between them or how they didn’t want anybody else.

Because he can’t have Sander now and he can only hope those words meant at least a small percentage of what they would mean in any other moment.

The first few months go by excruciatingly slow.

They talk every day, probably every second they’re both awake, but it doesn’t feel like it’s enough. Robbe tries to keep his whines and thoughts to himself. Sander is happy, he has an amazing paycheck, and sooner than they both thought, he’s moving to a bigger place, a permanent one. Sander sends him so many links to furniture, asking for Robbe’s opinion, and sometimes he gets angry and doesn’t reply.

Sander has no plans of moving back home it seems, and Robbe doesn’t do well with that. The answer he got from his note made him think they would figure things out, that Sander felt the same, that he was just waiting for Robbe to be ready to say he liked Sander so he could hear it back. But in Robbe’s mind, if Sander really wanted him as badly as Robbe wants him, he wouldn’t be settling somewhere else so easily. Robbe couldn’t even think about moving to another country. He doesn’t want to leave his mom right now, or any time soon. So the distance won’t get any smaller any time soon.

Sander had an episode a few months back, and Robbe couldn’t be there, physically holding him and hoping it would end soon. He found out in the middle of a night when he got a texted out of nowhere from Sander after almost two days of complete silence.

 **to Robbe:** _Are you going to leave me behind?_

And with that, Robbe finally knew what was going on.

Sander always asks that when he’s having an episode, Robbe is not sure if it’s because he’s trying to warn Robbe or if he’s genuinely doubting every time that Robbe told Sander he would never leave him behind.

After that text, Robbe called him a million times until Sander stopped declining his calls and Robbe was finally allowed to see his face, lying on a bed that Robbe didn’t know, with puffy and red eyes and Robbe didn’t know what to say at first, so they just stared at each other, lying down, until Robbe started talking about how Sander’s sheets must feel nice, not as cheap as the ones they’re used to having back at home.

Robbe watched Sander for hours, not doing much, sometimes a few tears slipping down his cheek, wetting his pillow. He took his phone with him to the kitchen, to search and grab some of those chocolate bars that never seemed to end - his mom always restocking like she knew Robbe was still needing them - and water, sitting on the counter and eating slowly not to make too much noise with the packages. He took most of his clothes off and fell back in bed after a while, Sander still watching him with his puffy, barely open eyes.

His hair was getting long, the dark roots clearly forgotten, and Robbe wonders if Sander is done with his bleached hair, needing to keep it natural from now on. It makes his chest clench a little bit, overthinking even the small things like Sander changing his hair too, leaving very little things the way they used to be when he lived closer. Robbe wishes he could at least help him cut the damaged and still bleached ends at least, enjoy the silky hair that’s growing quickly, see how the texture changed.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait, everyone! The end of the year was a mess, but I'm slowly getting back to my writing routine. I'm already working on the next part so it shouldn't take long to come out.   
> Thank you for the kudos!

* * *

It’s stupid, Sander thinks, holding on to the hard bathroom counter, needing something to ground him, staring at the clippers right next to the sink. It’s just hair, this was never a problem for him but for a reason, it is now. Robbe loves his bleached hair, and Sander knows in a weird way, this is the end of an era. He’s been bleaching his hair for almost two years, Robbe doesn’t know him any other way. And now they’re living hours away from each other, not even in a real relationship yet, and here is Sander, about to throw away the only thing that he feels still connects him and the experience Robbe had with him.

It’s stupid, he repeats to himself as he grabs the machine, holding it firmly in his palm, turning it on, and wrapping his fingers around it to not mess this up too badly, lifting it, thinking it’ll be better to start from the sides where’s shorter. His hair is getting long, too long and it gives him enough room to not go completely bald. He looks at his phone on the counter and thinks about recording it, sending the video to Robbe as a joke but he knows Robbe will be a little upset so he decides against it, checking if he’s using the right one and he presses it gently against his scalp, feeling almost instantly his hair falling against his face, tingling his cheek.

He can’t really see it, but when he’s done with the right side, he puts the clippers down and touches the counter, feeling the fuzz instead of the slick texture from before, and he pushes everything to one spot until he can see a tiny pile forming, the bleached hair and some dark dots at the ends.

Sander goes back to the other side, the back, and the top, at last, trying to avoid actually looking at himself in the mirror unless it’s necessary to have a decent haircut. He takes his shirt off when he’s done and tries to clean his shoulder with it before looking forward.

It’s not that bad, but it’s still dark hair where it was white before. It’s a good length, not too short, definitely shorter on the sides. It feels weird to even for him, he can’t imagine how Robbe will react. He’ll take care of the mess later. The tiny hair strands all over his shoulders, neck, and back are quickly getting on his nerves, so he pushes his boxers down and jumps out of them, turning the shower on and getting inside the bathtub.

It feels a lot different washing his hair, Sander can’t remember the last time his hair was this short. He tries not to overthink it as he takes a quick shower. Hair grows back, and it’ll be back to normal in no time.

Milan’s picture is on his phone when he jumps off the shower so Sander puts his phone down and accepts the call as he grabs his towel, drying his chest before wrapping around his waist, putting his phone back up, pushing it against the mirror on the wall before taking his hand off the camera.

Milan opens his mouth wide and laughs, clapping his hands, clearly enjoying seeing Sander shirtless too.

“Oh my god! Sander!” He sounds surprised but happy and Sander uses it to calm himself.

“Do you think Robbe will like it?” Sander asks anxiously and Milan tilts his head like he just heard something very dumb.

“And why are you worried about what he’ll think?”

Sander snorts, grabbing his phone to leave the bathroom. Nobody really knows what’s going on between him and Robbe. How would they know? It’s complicated even for Sander to understand, but he knows they’re not the best at hiding their feelings either, no matter how much they don’t kiss in front of anyone and try as best as they can to act like normal friends.

“He’ll love it, I’m sure. Now you and Senne look like actual twins! The same black and white, edgy aesthetics. Too bad you live away now so you’ll have to make your own closet without sharing it with Senne…or Robbe.”

Sander nods his head, biting the inside of his cheek. He misses Robbe more than he’s willing to admit, he misses his smell, seeing Robbe stealing some of his clothes, wearing them around the house when they were alone.

“How is he?”

Milan sighs loudly, leaning against his chair, “I mean…he’s good at pretending.”

Sander sighs, sitting on his bed, going back again to the reasons why he should just stay here. He’s tired of living with his parents, no company is willing to pay him as well as he’s been paid right now, he has his dream job. He’s just one short flight away from home, he has his own space with nobody to share it with.

There are so many good, solid reasons to be here, to choose to move away. And still, thinking about Robbe makes all of those reasons seem unnecessary and futile. But Robbe has a lot to figure out too, and they needed space and so Sander created the space between them. Doesn’t make him miss Robbe any less. Being the reasonable one is not a thing Sander likes to be, it doesn’t come naturally to him so it’s like his nature is constantly fighting him, wanting to go back home and drop everything else.

Milan gets easily distracted talking about Senne and Zoe and Sander hums agreeing or disagreeing whenever he feels it’ll fit the conversation while he opens his conversation with Robbe.

 **to Robbe:** _Can you talk now?_

Robbe is online and the bubbles appear instantly on his screen.

 **to Sander:** _am with the boys_

_kinda drank a little_

_not sure if it’s safe for us to talk now_

Sander smiles at his phone, thinking about a shy and drunk Robbe trying to talk to him while having his friends watching. The thought of Robbe not being able to hide how soft he goes for Sander makes him find any excuse to end his call with Milan and instantly call Robbe.

He looks around while he waits and grabs a clean shirt that’s on his bed, putting it on quickly, just then remembering about his hair, very sure Robbe will not be able to hide his feelings about it either. Sander can’t make himself mad if the boys find out they’re together. He keeps biting the corner of his bottom lip until a shaky image finally appears and he sees Robbe a second later, the boys talking loudly off camera.

“What did you do?!” Robbe almost screams, frowning and coming closer to the camera like that’ll make him see better.

“You like it?” Sander is overwhelmed by how loud and fast his heart is beating but he notices how insecure and afraid he sounds and he hopes the boys are busy with something else not to notice it too.

“Sander…why did you do that?” He whines and pouts a little and Sander wants to kiss him so badly.

The boys end their little moment, jumping around Robbe to see whatever he’s seeing and complaining about.

“Wow, bro! Looks so nice!” Moyo is the first one to say anything and Sander tries to smile and look at him, whispering a thank you back, too worried about Robbe’s thoughts still.

“So edgy,” Aaron says like it’s an afterthought, and Jens and Moyo laugh.

“Yeah, Sander, looks sick! I’m sure the ladies are climbing all over you with the new look.”

He doesn’t know what to say to that and he doesn’t have to because Robbe finally walks away from them, seeming to close the living room door behind him, walking by himself down the hall between the bedrooms.

“I miss you.” Sander fills the awkward silence for both of them.

“I miss you too,” Robbe whispers like he’s ashamed to say it and Sander knows he’s just saying because of the beers he probably already drank.

“Why don’t you just tell them?”

“What is there to tell? Especially now that you’re somewhere else, fucking whoever you like.” Robbe sounds really annoyed, throwing himself against a wall and Sander sighs, knowing the boys are probably gossiping a lot about him and whatever he’s doing with his free time here, by himself, filling Robbe’s brain with bullshit.

“You can’t imagine the line outside my place.” He tries not to sound too hard, smiling when Robbe rolls his eyes.

“I have an idea. I gave you a note, remember? When you left and it’s not like I got anything back…”

“What?” Sander gets up from his bed to walk around aimlessly like Robbe is doing again.

“You don’t know that I like you? Is that it?” Robbe blushes but doesn’t say sorry or explain why he hasn’t come to visit yet, “You’re the one with the plane ticket just getting old inside your drawer or something.”

It takes a long minute but Robbe finally wets his lips, searching for what to say.

“You know I like things to be very clear, right?”

“What is Jens filling your head with?”

“He’s not doing anything.”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Are you jealous?” Robbe smiles expectantly, walking slower now, thankfully, wanting to give Sander his full attention for what he says next.

“What is there to be jealous about? Especially now that you’re somewhere else, fucking whoever you like.” Sander snorts, unable to think of anything other than how beautiful Robbe looks on his screen right now. “Yeah, I’m fucking jealous.”

“I just want you. Nobody else.”

“So come see me already, Robin. Please.” Robbe smiles and Sander doesn’t feel so self-aware for whining, needing to see his boy soon.

They stay in silence for a long time, looking at each other, noticing the big or small differences.

“I like how long your hair is getting,” Sander says with a comfortable smile on his lips, lying back down on his bed, adjusting his pillow underneath his head.

“I don’t like when you call me Robin…” Robbe whispers, looking at Sander to get his reaction.

“You don’t?” Sander lifts his eyebrows, surprised, absently running his fingers through his scalp, feeling how fuzzy it is, wishing he could make Robbe feel it too, make some comment about how he likes it or not.

“Not like this…when you’re being serious.”

Sander nods his head, his smile growing bigger, “So you like it when I use it to annoy you.”

Robbe shrugs, and rests his head against the wall, “Can I go in two weeks?”

“Really?!” Sander pushes himself to sit up.

“Yeah.”

“Of course you can. Tell me the time you get here and I’ll pick you up at the airport.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's finally here! Sorry for being so inconsistent with the updates but I've been struggling to write but I'm excited with the ideas I have for the next few parts, there be a little bit of everything

* * *

Robbe doesn’t think too much about grabbing his phone anymore, clicking on the name, scrolling through the page, clicking on some old pictures just to see him again, watching the new stories, Sander partying with his friends until the early hours of this morning. It’s part of Robbe’s routine to check Sander’s social media like it’s brushing his teeth or skating back home hearing his music.

He brought it to himself so he has to suck it up. Sander is more than well adjusted to his new life, his new friends.

The conversations that used to happen constantly throughout every day changed a few months back and are now just a quick exchange of texts every few days, nothing longer than ten minutes, and nothing too deep inside each other’s lives too. Robbe still misses Sander like he did when Sander first moved away but he doesn’t have the space to say it anymore.

It was obvious that distance would push them apart. They were too naive to think they could beat it. 

He missed his opportunities time and time again. The ticket he had to go visit expired a few weeks ago and he knows it was the last straw for Sander to give up on them completely, no matter how much Robbe tried to explain and how many times he apologized for not finding the time or courage to go visit. 

Robbe is terrible with words but he managed to say them when he felt it but he’s a disaster with actions and he didn’t take one with someone that’s all about actions speaking louder than words.

“Baby, are you busy today?” He hears his mom’s words like they’re on the other side of a tunnel. He looks up and she’s smiling, repeating her words now that she has his attention.

“No...No, I’m not really busy, why?”

“I was thinking about going to the mall and shopping.” He can feel her excitement in her voice. They don’t do this often: outings that don’t involve their doctors or grocery shopping. And his mom has been doing really, really good and Robbe thinks if he lost one for his lack of attitude, he shouldn’t do the same with his mom.

“Okay. Let me just change.” He smiles back and she claps her hands, leaving his room to go grab her things. The last thing Robbe wants to do is go out but he’ll force a smile on his face and hold however many bags she needs him to hold.

**to Jens:** _Do you want to do something tonight?_

_I need some beers_

He puts his phone inside his jacket to give his mom his full attention for the afternoon, hoping Jens has planned something for them to do by the time he’s back home tonight.

Robbe doesn’t need anything but he lets his mom buy him lunch and when she shows him this perfect black leather jacket that looks a lot like one Robbe used to steal from Sander, he lets her buy it for him too. He checks his phone but there’s no message from Jens yet so he texts Zoe, inviting her for some coffee with his mom before they head home. It’s nice to see her again and his mom loves Zoe so much but Robbe can tell something is up. Zoe keeps looking at him in the way she does when she’s worried. He doesn’t ask because his mom is there and he doesn’t need his mom in the middle of whatever drama Zoe is hiding from him.

On their way back home it’s colder than expected after walking for so many hours inside the mall, the sun is completely gone so the temperature dropped drastically and Robbe finds any excuse to open the bigger bag he’s carrying, putting his new leather jacket on, searching for his phone to put inside the outer pocket. He holds it tighter and the screen lights up, showing the notification of a few new messages from Jens.

**to Robbe:** _No plans but you can come by if you want, play some video game_

_talked to Jana yesterday_

_She told me Sander is hooking up with a girl…_

Robbe stops walking, carefully reading every message again to make sure he didn’t misinterpret what Jens was saying. He knows he should read this with the biggest grain of salt because Jana has moved back a few weeks ago and she barely knows Sander but in the back of his mind, for a reason Robbe can’t understand, he thinks she might be telling Jens the truth.

**to Jens:** _How does she know that?_

He can guess the answer - Britt and her big mouth - but he doesn’t know what to say.

**to Robbe:** _Britt told her that he’s been sleeping with someone for a while now but it’s nothing serious_

_probably just a fuck buddy_

_he did repost stories with a blonde girl tho_

Robbe leaves to answer Jens later when he’s home, and he opens Instagram instead, Sander’s profile picture being the first one available for him to watch - his favorite hobby - and he clicks on it without thinking and there it is. Robbe keeps his thumb on the screen to freeze the frame.

It’s a stories of someone else that Sander shared. It’s too fast for Robbe to understand what’s going on but he stops when he sees Sander laughing, with sparkly eyes that are the sign that maybe he’s a little tipsy, always in a better mood after a few beers, his hair messy from what Robbe assumes to be strange fingers running through his locks and the girl finally turns back to look at whoever caught them making out, blushing with the brightest red lips and Robbe takes his finger off the screen and it’s over in the next second.

“Robbe…” Zoe is standing next to him, his mom a few steps forward waiting for them.

“Am I like the last one to know?”

Zoe presses her lips together, trying to justify not telling him about it but Robbe doesn’t really care. It’s his fault anyway. Sander has every right to move on and post it all over social media.

He shoves his phone back in his pocket and Zoe wraps her hands around his arm and forces him to start walking again, acting as nothing happened to his mom while they walk Zoe home and then go home themselves.

He tries to engage in whatever conversation his mom starts about picking which pizza they’ll eat tonight but his brain keeps replaying that quick clip over and over again even though he shouldn’t care.

Sander knows that he saw and he doesn’t text anything to Robbe, as he shouldn’t but Robbe expected him to. 

He completely forgets about answering Jens and goes to bed right after eating half a pizza without noticing, turning his phone off, hoping he’ll wake up to some missed calls or texts from Sander, knowing it won’t happen.

The story is still there when Robbe wakes up the next morning. He clicks on Jens’ texts to finally answer him.

**to Jens:** _sorry for disappearing last night, ate some pizza and passed out before I could tell you._

Thankfully, Jens is not online so Robbe won’t have to keep a conversation going when he’s still half asleep and in the worst possible mood.

He pushes himself to lie on his side, staring at the space next to him where Sander would usually sleep.

There were long months of miscommunication, frustration, and excuses because Robbe was too afraid of any change. He finally had the life he dreamed of, and two months after, Sander was moving to another country with no intention of coming back to visit every weekend. That change was big enough to paralyze him, unable to decide for himself what he wanted in their relationship. He thought they could maintain some degree of their relationship online while Robbe worked on himself but it wasn’t enough for Sander, clearly.

And Robbe couldn’t whine and beg for his attention so he kept his neediness to himself while their conversation got smaller and meaningless with time. The few things keeping them close are over now and Robbe can try to hide it all he wants but he knows it won’t be easy.

He clicks on another app that he opens frequently but this one just to look.

The airplane tickets aren’t too pricey, he just has to find one, buy and just fucking go there already! He can’t have another long semester letting the unknown eat his brain out. If he asks Sander he’ll give a too honest answer, cold without thinking about feelings because he’s hurt and he doesn’t care if Robbe gets hurt too because he brought this to them. Sander will be practical and Robbe needs him to be more considerate.

He stops scrolling when he finds a flight to Sander’s new town. His dad sent him his birthday gift in money and Robbe didn’t use much of it yet. Added with all the money his dad sends him every few weeks, it’s barely enough but it’ll work. 

He buys the ticket before he can change his mind again and drops his phone on his mattress, looking forward. He has one hour to pack a bag and go to the airport. If he works fast enough he won’t have time to change his mind.

Robbe sits on his bed and grabs his school bag from the floor, unzipping it and turning it upside down on his bed to empty it, leaving the mess for him to deal with when he’s back. He doesn’t know for how long he’ll stay but it can’t be that long that he can’t fit in one bag.

If he tells anyone, as they did to him, they’ll end up telling Sander about his plans. Even Zoe would end up accidentally spilling the news to Jana and she would tell Britt. So Robbe tells Senne that he’ll need him to lie for Robbe for a few days. He needs to pretend he’s sleeping somewhere else so nobody will try to change his mind about jumping on a plane suddenly to go talk to Sander because of a social media post.

He’s the only one that won’t call him crazy or ask any questions.

When everything is planned with Senne, Robbe is finally done packing too, not giving himself even a second to look around and diggest the crazy plan he’s about to do, he’s almost late and the taxi is already downstairs, waiting for him.

He kisses his mom goodbye and quickly tells her he’s going to spend the week at Senne’s because he needs some help with Zoe. He’s out the door before giving a proper explanation or he would get caught in his lie, everything written all over his face because Robbe is that terrible of a liar.

The realization of how fucked his whole plan is only hits him when he’s already in his seat inside the airplane, high up in the sky, being offered some snacks that he declines. 

He looks so desperate, jealous, and thinking sex will fix everything that he ruined. He looks and sounds hot and cold and confusing and Robbe hates the realization while he’s sitting inside an airplane, with no way out to go back home.

If he gets there and Sander is living a married life already with his blonde dream girl, Robbe will have to find a way to dig a hole and hide forever.

He sits forward, finally able to see groups of houses again down on the ground. The pilot tells them they’ll be landing soon and Robbe rushes to the bathroom before he won’t be able to. He washes his face and looks at himself in the mirror. He’s not doing a good job at hiding his nervousness. 

He won’t even have time to hesitate while waiting for his bag. Everything he brought is in the compartment over his head. He only needs to get inside a cab and go to Sander’s place. In two hours or so he’ll have to deal with whatever he planned so quickly in his head.

Maybe if he asks what’s going on, it won’t feel so desperate. It’s not unfair to want to know where they stand. Even if it’s a closure that Robbe is not ready to have. He settles for asking, as calmly as he can, what’s going on between them now that there’s someone else again.

The airport is tiny and Robbe is a little bit lost, wandering without knowing where he’s supposed to go to find the taxis. Sander's address is still saved in a print Robbe took of their conversation before they started drifting apart. 

Sander had moved to a better apartment that he could only afford because he was sharing with a few of his friends. Robbe remembers typing, asking why was Sander sending him that if they were barely talking to each other those days. He wanted Sander to tell him they were still okay enough but Robbe didn’t send the message, just said the place looked nice, and took a screenshot to save the address.

He asks the taxi driver if it’s a long drive and he shakes his head, looking at Robbe through the rearview, “Five minutes, not much more than that.”

Robbe sighs, trying to make some breathing exercises to prepare himself. Five minutes is not a lot of time, not enough either.

He tries to keep himself from overthinking as he jumps out of the car, putting his bag over his shoulder. The building seems very new, modern even and Robbe wonders how expensive it is to live there. 

There’s a guy behind the desk when he walks in and he leads Robbe to the elevator, pressing the button for him, letting him go upstairs by himself. Robbe found a way to mumble, after giving the old man all his information, that it was a surprise so he wouldn’t call Sander. He seemed to get it, smiling and Robbe was giving the directions: on the third floor, the door on his right was Sander’s.

He fixes his hair, adjusts his bag on his shoulder, and stares at the door before knocking, hoping Sander is the one to open it, not one of his friends or the girl. He should have told him he was coming, at least Sander would have time to hide anything he might want to hide but Sander doesn’t seem unhappy to see him at his door. Robbe doesn’t remember what he had planned to say and Sander is quiet too, doesn’t look like he had much sleep time or any sleep for that matter.

He can barely open his eyes, wearing his underwear and a black shirt and Robbe doesn’t wait for another second, putting his hands on Sander’s neck, pulling him down for a heated kiss. He licks Sander’s mouth open, pushing him inside his apartment and Sander slams the door closed behind Robbe, gently taking his bag off his shoulder, finally awake enough to lead the way to a bed.

-

Robbe snuggles closer and carefully lies on Sander’s shoulder. He obviously changed the order of things but there’s no escaping a conversation now while they’re both wide awake, lying in bed together. Robbe wonders if Sander at least changed his sheets. He has to know what Sander is feeling but he’s so afraid of the answer.

He looks up and finds Sander already staring at him, with a hint of a smile at the corner of his lips.

“You know why I came?”

Sander lifts his eyebrows, looking elsewhere now and he sighs annoyingly.

“I’ll be surprised if I don’t.”

Robbe looks down again, at Sander’s hand casually just on his chest, like he’s waiting for Robbe to hold it like he would any other time. He doesn’t because it feels wrong yet but he walks with his fingertips over Sander’s knuckles, wanting to hold his hand, kiss him, tell Sander that there’s no way anyone else is better than them and that’s why he’s here.

“So…is this like Britt all over again?”

He knows it’s not the best way to ask if Sander still wants to be with him and just him but he can’t find another way to do it.

“No. I broke up with Britt right after our first kiss. And I’m not dating anyone right now. So it’s different.”

Robbe looks up knowing he’ll find an upset Sander, he doesn’t ask anything else to not risk his luck. He pushes himself up and looks at Sander face to face, staring at his still reddish lips, and kisses him again, leaving the rest of this painful conversation for later.


	5. Chapter 5

* * *

Robbe takes forever to wake up. Sander watched him sleep for almost an hour and he didn't look an inch more awake. It’s impossible not to notice the differences. Sander has looked at this boy, looking a lot more like a man now, so many times, for so long. He looks different. The long time without seeing each other in person has something to do with it but Robbe looks different. His hair is longer, he's skinnier and pale. He's still the most beautiful human Sander has ever laid his eyes on but him looking less of a boy makes Sander feel anxious, getting out of bed carefully to not wake him up, closing his bedroom door to leave Robbe alone in case someone is home already.

It's been too long since they started this. From friends to secret lovers and it feels like they're stuck. Any other occasion this would have turned into a relationship already, if they were mature people they could move in together, not worry about school or money or distance pulling them further and further apart slowly. Like bread crumbs slowly being taken away from a trail, leaving them lost in the middle of nowhere. 

There's nothing that Sander wants more but Robbe can't come live here now and they clearly suck at long distance and being secretive. Moving away from home isn’t as easy for Robbe as it was for him. Robbe thinks his mom is his responsibility, no matter how well she's doing these days.

While he waits, Sander collects all the clothes they left as a trail leading up to his bedroom door. His phone is still inside his jacket and Sander knows he should text her, tell her that Robbe is home and he knows she'll understand. He wasn't lying when he said things were different but in the back of his mind he's still upset, certain that Robbe will leave and expect him to become a saint while they're apart for God knows how long. 

He folds their clothes and leaves it next to his door and goes back to the kitchen, trying to type a text that explains well enough in a few lines how difficult his current situation with Robbe is. She and everyone else here knows Robbe is his priority, no matter how selfish he's being by living away and having high expectations about their messy relationship and how Sander should behave.

Robbe is here now and Sander won't worry about the future. Minute by minute all over again. 

He reads his text a bunch of times, hoping he's being clear but not mean without meaning to.

"Sander…” It's not louder than a raspy whisper, but scares him anyway, pressing the send button accidentally, putting his phone down like it’ll change the fact that he was caught texting someone else. 

Robbe is there, leaning against the wall in between the kitchen and the living room, looking very sleepy still, wearing one of Sander's shirts and his underwear from last night. His eyes stare at Sander's phone for a little too long on the counter and Sander knows he's been there for long enough to connect who he was struggling to text. 

"Sorry."

"You don't have to apologize. I was the one to come without a notice.” Robbe gives him a sad smile and Sander sighs, wishing the universe would work on their favor for once. Couldn’t Robbe wake up a minute later? He walks around the kitchen, his fingertips walking on every surface as a distraction for his eyes to not stare at Sander and he steps aside, pouring some coffee for both of them, offering a mug to Robbe. 

"Thanks.” 

Sander pulls Robbe closer by his waist, unable to wait another second with this awkward thing growing between them, “It's not like Britt, Robbe. You can read it if you want. She knows about you, I told her that you were home, finally and that's it. I couldn't just not say anything. She's a friend of a friend so they know her and they’ll mention her and they know about you and they're terrible at handling weird situations. So I just had to rip the band aid off and try to make this less awkward for you. But you're here now and you might not be here tomorrow, or the day after. And it pisses me off."

“I know I'm making this harder for you. And me too, trust me. I know it was stupid to come like that, after seeing you moving on with someone else. You don't owe me any explanation but I promise, I never mean to be this fucking confusing. You don't have to break up with her if you don't feel like it. Like you said, I'll leave soon. Not because I want but because there's school, and my mom and I can't just drop everything and be on your back here forever. It's messy now. So I get it.”

Hearing Robbe say it makes Sander anxious one more time for bringing the future up because he doesn't care about it that much if Robbe is here and they're together for now.

“Stop. What's done, is done. You're here and I want to be with you. So we'll go back to minute by minute while we’re together.”

Last night was a rollercoaster and Sander had very little time to enjoy every second of it like he wanted to. If he had the brain space to think that it could be the very few times they might have this time he would have forced himself to enjoy more. He was too caught up in the excitement of having Robbe back. His mouth waters thinking about kissing Robbe again but he doesn't have the time. 

"Good morning, good morning, lovebirds!” Someone screams and claps and Robbe moves away from his hug in a quick jump and Sander sighs, looking up to find Elias entering the kitchen, smiling like Robbe is not a stranger in his kitchen. He stands close to them, offering his hand and Robbe shakes it instantly, still blushing, a little embarrassed to be caught about to be kissed by Sander.

“Elias. And you're  _ the _ Robbe.” Elias asks, with his inquisitive eyes and a smile on his lips. He knows Robbe from the many pictures Sander has of him but Elias has to make it awkward. 

Sander looks at him, and Robbe is looking back, opening and closing his mouth, laughing. 

“Yeah. I'm Robbe.”

“ _ The _ Robbe.” Sander corrects him. 

Their breakfast goes surprisingly well, Elias puts his arm around Robbe’s shoulders like they’re friends, asking what he wants to eat. Sander is extremely thankful for his friends for being so welcoming, making Robbe feel really at home. Elias can clearly feel the awkwardness because whenever Robbe is busy - grabbing more coffee for them or going to the bathroom - Elias looks at Sander like he wants tips on how to help. 

Everyone keeps Robbe busy with questions about him, about school, about how Sander was when he was home so they don't have much time alone to finish that conversation. But Sander acts like they're okay because he misses Robbe too much and wasting a second worrying feels like too much time wasted. He holds his hand every time he can, he keeps him close, kisses his cheek and his lips whenever Robbe looks at him for a little too long. 

Sander doesn't care about anything else right now. 

He doesn’t want to go anywhere, just wants to stay home with Robbe and hopefully have some honest conversation that they are in desperate need of but it’s not much of his choice to make. In the afternoon while they’re all sprawled around the living room, Robbe leaning carefully against his chest, not completely relaxed, Sander notices, the boys are all on his phones, finding parties for them to choose which one to go to. 

Robbe looks up at him, excited with the idea and Sander rolls his eyes, being outnumbered. They’ll go to parties then. 

There’s only one bathroom in the flat and so not even while one takes the shower the other can stay inside the bathroom so they can talk. The walls are thin and his friends are too curious for Sander to trust them. 

So he lets Robbe go first and in the few hours of preparation, they don’t have a minute alone. Everyone is so curious about Robbe, wanting to get to know him for his own perspective, not from Sander’s perfect idea of him. They take some shots before leaving the house and Robbe holds his hand on their walk to the party.

It's one of the biggest, most chaotic parties Sander has ever gone to since he got here. And Robbe seems happy, a little overwhelmed but happy to be with Sander too. He keeps drinking and drinking and drinking and Sander lets himself enjoy a beer or two because it's a really fucking good night but he knows Robbe is about to get really drunk. 

Sander watches it carefully and a little mesmerized, finding it hard to keep his hands down and not bring Robbe to himself. He knows Robbe knows how to party, he has some wild friends just like Sander does but he can’t help but worry. Now that he’s here, experiencing something differently than Robbe, it feels like the difference between how high schoolers party and how college kids do is a lot bigger. Robbe and his friends are probably used to some warm beer, cheap weed that’s probably old grass and Sander just wants to keep Robbe safe. 

He knows his friends and he knows they would never leave Robbe go too far but still. Their endurance is so much higher than this smaller, skinnier boy that Sander loves so much it’s hard to be reasonable and not overprotective. 

In the back of his head he also thinks about what Robbe will think of all of this. Of how different his life is here and it’ll make Robbe think less of him. Sander bites his tongue not to start explaining in the middle of a party how this is not his daily life to Robbe. How he’s still mostly the same Robbe used to see - and kiss and have sex - every other day. 

He smiles when Robbe looks at him and nods his head, accepting the shot that they’re apparently all drinking. 

Like a child, as Sander is busy only for a second opening his third beer, Robbe is gone. Sander looks around himself and can’t find him. Elias is nowhere to be found either so Sander slaps whichever friend is standing to his left. 

“Where is Robbe?” 

“Was looking for a bathroom, Elias went to help him find one.” Sander exhales and breaths slowly a few more times, nodding his head, “Relax, bro, your boy is safe. It’s like we’re his personal bodyguard team.”

Sander drinks all his beer while his eyes scan the room looking for familiar faces. Robbe is there, he’s safe but Sander finds himself more attached than ever to him so a quick trip to the bathroom feels like a long time to be apart, for bad things to happen, for rumors to get to Robbe’s ears. Sander has been living here for some time and it feels like anyone could tell Robbe anything that would hurt them even more. He didn’t date anyone but yeah, he had his fun. Because it was allowed, they talked about this before. How they would have to live their lives the best they could because there was no expiration date from this secret-long-distance-mess they had going on.

He gives his empty can to someone as a joke and waits impatiently. 

Like a dream, Robbe appears, bursting the fog of all types of smoke that’s surrounding them. His beanie is still on his head, slightly tilted to one side and when Robbe crosses their circle and sort of melts against Sander’s chest. He can see how Robbe’s pupils are blown, almost completely black and how deliciously warm his body is. When he wraps his arm around Robbe’s waist inside his jacket, he can feel how the black shirt is sticking to the skin on the small of his back and just the thought of Robbe’s soft skin being that deliciously warm makes him overheat himself.

Robbe puts his hands on his face, half of his hands covered by his long jacket and they kiss, not caring for a second about the others still there, staring and making jokes, clapping their hands. Robbe’s tongue is so warm and inviting, kissing Sander dirty, making him dizzy and he smiles, feeling his mouth water more than normal because of Robbe’s taste, quietly sucking Sander’s bottom lip, his actions hidden by his hands still on Sander’s cheeks. 

He scrambles but finds the end of Robbe’s shirt, putting his hand inside so he can scratch the skin of his back, making Robbe arch against Sander. 

“I think you had enough fun for your first night here.” Sander says when they stop kissing to breath, smiling against Robbe’s pouty lips. 

Robbe shakes his head from one side to the other and Sander feels him losing his balance a little because of it so he squeezes Robbe’s back tighter against him to keep Robbe in place. He nods his head and Robbe shakes his in response. 

“My night hasn’t even started yet.” He whispers against Sander’s mouth and he stares at Robbe’s shiny lips, “Let’s go home.” 

Before Sander can find anything to say, Robbe puts his hands over Sander’s n his back, holding it and turning around to talk to the others. Sander can’t see but he hears the smile in Robbe’s voice. 

“Can you guys find somewhere else to sleep tonight?” 

Sander has to laugh, shaking his head, resting his forehead against the back of Robbe’s neck. He can hear his friends’ answers, more than happy to give them some privacy for as long as they might need, someone says and before he can pull himself out of Robbe’s spell, Sander is standing on his own legs somehow, walking around the circle, shaking his boys’ hands one by one, hearing all types of jokes and words of encouragement. 

Robbe finds the way out of the house for them and somehow, they end up in the street safely. Sander looks around but there’s no cab in sight so he pulls Robbe closer for another quick kiss before their ride. Robbe moans against his lips and Sander really needs them to be home already. 

“You know I’ll take my time with you tonight, right?” He whispers before licking Robbe’s ear, smiling when he feels Robbe nodding his head eagerly, almost as a reflex. 

It’s an excruciatingly long walk home but they make the most out of it, pulling each other for another heated kiss whenever they find themselves all alone on the sidewalk. It doesn’t take a second from slamming the door shut to them pressed against each other against the hallway wall, safely inside, taking their clothes off, almost ripping some fabrics when the zipper of Robbe’s jeans gets stuck or when Sander can’t take his boots quick enough again. Sander drops his left boot on the floor and grabs Robbe by his thighs, carrying him to the bedroom while kissing his neck. 


End file.
